By Louie Ferrera

Where do you go when you die? At one time or another every human  has asked this question. The fear of death is the fear of the unknown, what happens to you after you die is the deepest and most perplexing unknown of them all. Philosophers, shaman, mystics, artists, poets and priests across every culture in every corner of the Earth have all attempted to answer these questions: When you die, do you just cease to be? What happens to the sum of all your thoughts, memories and experiences? What happens to your soul? Is there even such thing as a soul? Is there an afterlife? How about reincarnation? After my death will I return to the land of the living as a sentient being like an elephant or a hummingbird? Is karma real? If I’ve lived a good and virtuous life will I return as a sunflower or a double rainbow? If I’ve been an evil creep will my encore be as a sewer rat or a cockroach?

Growing up Catholic I was taught that the church had it all figured out. You either went up (Heaven), down (Hell) or somewhere in-between (Purgatory). Heaven was the most beautiful place that you could ever imagine, you spent eternity beyond the clouds and among angels. Of course in Hell, the Devil himself is your eternal host, there you suffered and burned in the most sulfurous of flames. From what I can gather, Purgatory is  some sort of way station where your “up/down” fate is decided.

I think that I may have seen the afterlife. Honest. Many years ago I had a dream, the details of which mostly elude me. Here’s all I’ve got: I was with another person or two, we were standing in an open space around some kind of signpost or pole, a wizened old man was there too. That’s it. In my mind’s eye, I can still somewhat make out this scene, but it’s gradually being consumed by the fogs of time. What I do still remember though is the feeling of the dream. I knew that I had died and this was what came next.

Some believe that everyone has their “time”, a predetermined moment when your death will occur, no matter what you do. I’ve had two experiences in my life that have lead me to believe that perhaps this theory is plausible.

About 25 years ago I was hiking in the rugged backcountry of Big Basin State Park in the Santa Cruz Mountains. I was peering through my binoculars at a bird while standing on a narrow trail that ran along a steep ridge. I heard a rattling/hissing sound, looked down and to my left to see a large rattlesnake less than three feet from me. It was coiled up  in “strike” mode. I slowly took a couple of steps back and watched the snake slither away. I was six miles from the parking lot, this was the pre-cell phone era, there was no one around to help me. Had I been bitten, who know what would have happened to me? Maybe it wasn’t my time?

About ten years ago, I watched with horror as our then 8 year old son dashed across a narrow two-lane street in rural Sonoma County. He and his mom and sister had gone into a bakery and Sam was coming across to show me what he’d bought. To my right I noticed a car speeding towards Sam. I shouted at him to stop but he just kept on coming. Had he stepped off the curb a second or two earlier he would have taken the full force of that speeding car. This horrific moment still burns in my memory. How was he not struck and killed? My only explanation is that it wasn’t his time.

So, maybe you just die with no plan, no predetermination. Maybe you go peacefully or violently; after a long illness or suddenly from a heart attack or stroke. Perhaps you go out in a blaze of glory in a plane or car crash. Your death could be horrific in a mass shooting or gentle while surrounded by those who love you.

Someone very close to me has recently died, it has brought me face to face with death and forced me to confront my own mortality.  A month ago my friend Kim died suddenly. She was a few weeks short of her 55th birthday and as full of life as a person could be. Now she’s gone. Her death makes no sense. We are still waiting to find out the cause of death. What was her death like? Where is Kim now? Has she been reincarnated? Will I recognize her in the knowing smile of a passing stranger or in the lilting call of a wood thrush? Is she in Heaven? Hell? Who knows? I certainly don’t.